“…The danger here is that we start to feel like there’s something wrong with us when healing doesn’t come. We wonder if we’re broken beyond repair….”
An excellent point. Thanks for writing this piece. It’s very aligned with my practice for more than 30 years and why I started my Always Inspiring publication. We are too obsessed with brokenness and don’t take time to recognize what is working and going well. And how far we have/do grow every day. It’s why I write “Good News Friday” as frequently as possible, mostly as a personal reminder but a contextual reaffirmation that we - and the world around us - are doing better than we think. And that while we strive to improve, the effort is for growing people, not broken ones. I Appreciate this piece very much.
Hi Matthew! I am looking forward to checking out your work. Your "Good News Friday" sounds like a beautiful practice—both as a reminder of progress and as a way to reframe how we see the world around us. In a culture that often focuses on deficits or what's missing, it's crucial to acknowledge the everyday growth, resilience, and positive shifts we experience. I think it aligns perfectly with the idea that we are works in progress, constantly evolving, not because we're broken, but because we have the capacity to keep growing and thriving.
Yes to all of this. ❤️ Renaming and reframing what I do has been important for me. I’ve gone from a quest for self improvement to soul care. Now there is no there to improve towards, it’s just care for my soul.
I absolutely love this shift from self-improvement to soul care. ❤️ It feels so much more compassionate and freeing when there’s no pressure to reach some elusive "there," but instead, it's about nurturing yourself in the moment. Soul care embraces the idea that you’re already whole, and it’s about tending to your well-being, your spirit, and your needs in a way that honors who you are right now. That shift in focus brings so much more peace, doesn’t it? It’s like giving yourself permission to just be while still growing in a way that feels natural and aligned with your essence.
Chronic illness doesn’t always have to be chronic. Unless you’re born with a condition, you can usually heal. I think cultivating our expansion is important because if you’re not consciously growing, you’re stagnating. Everything in life is either growing or dying. Nothing stands still. I agree healing can become addictive and toxic, but that’s because it’s so past focused. I think we need to consciously direct our growth forward while cultivating peace in the present, building our lives in such a way that each day is joyful in itself. I think that when we naturally grow in this way, past situations will sometimes need to be worked through on different levels so we can identify mindsets, emotions or behavioral patterns holding us back. I think what therapy gets wrong is an obsession with the past, thinking if we ‘heal’ our past, the future will take care of itself, but we need to consciously build toward that future otherwise we’ll fall back into destructive patterns that drive us, and end up doing more needless introspection. Therapy also excessively medicalizes the human condition but that’s another conversation altogether. When people don’t apply their focus and brain power to creating the future, they naturally look to the past, and if you keep digging in old wounds, you don’t allow them to heal. That’s why I promote strategic inner work. Figure out exactly what’s holding you back and address that enough to move forward. That should be goal - not endless, pointless introspection that results in people becoming neurotic and unhappy.
I appreciate your perspective on healing and growth. It’s true that healing can sometimes lead to an overemphasis on the past, potentially becoming a source of stagnation if not approached with balance. I agree with the idea that we should focus on forward growth and cultivate peace in the present. It's about finding a way to integrate past lessons without letting them dominate our present or future.
However, I think it's important to recognize that healing isn't always about "getting over" something; sometimes, it's about learning to live with parts of ourselves that won't ever fully disappear. Chronic illness, whether physical or emotional, can be something people manage, not necessarily something they “heal” from. The same can be said for past trauma—it may not vanish, but how we relate to it can evolve. The goal for me personally is often not to erase the past but to allow it to lose its power over me while building a future that I actively create.
Your point on therapy resonates—healing the past doesn't automatically build the future. I agree that forward-focused, strategic inner work is crucial, especially when it comes to preventing the endless cycle of introspection. Yet, for some, past work is a necessary foundation before they can effectively focus on the future. For others, an overemphasis on healing can indeed become a trap, leading to a sort of paralysis where they never feel "healed enough" to move forward.
Ultimately, I think it's about balance—acknowledging that healing is a personal journey that looks different for everyone. We can address what holds us back while also actively creating a future that brings us joy and fulfillment, staying rooted in the present. Growth doesn’t always mean looking backward or forward exclusively; it’s about integrating both in a way that serves us.
As a condiment fascinated by humans (and their nature) this was captivating. They cannot feel pain but love how you tackled the topic of it in this. The concept of learning to live with pain is new to them but something they hope to learn more about. Thank you for this!
I fell into the trap of reading a few of these self improvement books.
In the 80s these books had a bad rep. But I think publishing companies started to market these new self improvement books in a new and fresh way.
I dived in. And kind of drowned in it.
Many of these books could be written far more concisely and in much shorter form.
Essentially, get enough sleep, eat reasonably healthy, move around for about an hour a day if you can, laugh at life and remove yourself from toxic people and you should be ok.
I can definitely relate to that feeling. A lot of self-improvement books tend to stretch simple advice into entire chapters (or books!) that could be summarized in just a few sentences. Your conclusion nails it—sometimes it really is as simple as getting enough sleep, taking care of your body, staying active, and keeping good company. It’s easy to get caught up in the endless chase for “better,” but often, the basics are enough to keep us grounded. What’s your take on how self-improvement has evolved, especially with the rise of social media influencers?
Been meaning to give atomic habits a read myself. I agree with sometimes not forcing healing, and just letting it be.
I thinkit was bojack horseman that said something along the lines of- not all our suffering has to have some positive come out of it. Sometimes its just accepting that the shitty thing happened!
Let me know when you decide to read it and we can discuss! There were some great takeaways that helped me to better manage my ADHD.
I love that you quoted BoJack Horseman, lol. So relevant. There is this idea that every single thing that happens to us has to be a lesson that results in us being more resilient. The reality is sometimes shit just happens and we move through it and on from it. Not everything is that serious and requires a 12 step program to overcoming in an effort to be our best selves.
YES! Our suffering doesn’t have to result in us writing a book about it or some creative thing to to make it meaningful than just a shitty thing that happened to us. And I will once air read it!
I hate bringing this in, but the healing movement has also become industrialized as well. Whenever there is big money to be made, especially I'm thinking pharmaceuticals, but there are whole other industries involved, as well, e.g. psychology, publishing, (self-help books and articles are some the most highly read material now) etc. any time you have industries based around anything, you're going to have grifters and charlatans in that field promising quick fixes and returning nothing. When the pool that these industries are clustered around, trying to make a buck, are emotionally broken and potentially fragile minds, it's inevitable that you're going to have some problems. And there's going to be a lot of messaging to keep people patients, for the money of it all. I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone specific, and I don't have anyone specific in mind. I'm just thinking of the obvious problem of industrializing mental health. Also, this is just a viewpoint from very much an armchair psychologist.
Your perspective raises crucial points about the commercialization of healing and mental health. The concern that financial incentives can lead to the proliferation of quick-fix solutions is valid, especially in an industry where vulnerability is often at play. When profit motives overshadow genuine care, it can result in a landscape filled with opportunists rather than true healers.
This is particularly problematic when people are seeking help during their most fragile moments; the potential for exploitation is high. It’s essential for consumers to navigate this landscape with discernment, seeking out evidence-based practices and professionals who prioritize the well-being of their clients over profit.
Engaging in dialogue about these issues not only raises awareness but also encourages those within the industry to reflect on their practices and motivations. Ultimately, fostering a culture that values genuine healing over commercialization can lead to more meaningful and lasting transformations for individuals in need. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; they contribute to an important and ongoing conversation about the future of mental health care.
Makes the think about the hundreds of saved podcasts and books I wanna read. The stacks I’ll never get to and while I’m sure they may help if I had the time to read, they leave me feeling “if I could just absorb all of that information, things will be better and I’ll feel better.” Is that likely true? Prolly not. But the guilt I feel that I haven’t listened/read them yet, is taking up space and only causing more problems for myself.
It’s so relatable to feel overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of podcasts and books that seem to promise answers or insights. The idea that absorbing all this information will lead to improvement can create a sense of pressure and guilt, especially when life gets busy.
In reality, consuming more content doesn’t always equate to feeling better. Sometimes, the pursuit of knowledge can turn into an obligation rather than a source of inspiration or growth. It might be helpful to shift the focus from quantity to quality—perhaps choosing a few that resonate with you and allowing yourself the space to engage with them without the guilt of unfinished tasks.
Consider setting aside dedicated time for enjoyment rather than viewing it as another item on your to-do list. It’s okay to let go of the pressure to consume everything. Prioritizing your mental well-being is more important than any stack of unread books or unlistened podcasts. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of learning, without the burden of feeling like you need to know it all right now.
And added to all the self help books you mention are the 100s of podcasts by some of the same authors & others. It can be totally overwhelming if let it. I appreciate Mark Manson’s take on self help which parallels some of what you wrote in this post. You said it well, thank you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! You're absolutely right—between the endless self-help books and now the flood of podcasts, it can definitely get overwhelming if we’re not careful. I love Mark Manson's approach too; he brings a refreshing perspective that cuts through a lot of the noise. I’m glad what I wrote resonated with you, and it means a lot to hear your feedback. It’s always great to connect with people who share similar views on self-help and personal growth.
“Wellness has replaced religion”. You may be right. I see connections with what you’re saying and the guilt of original sin. Maybe it’s just that some good ideas go bad.
The idea that wellness has taken on a quasi-religious role in our society highlights how deeply we seek meaning and purpose, especially in an increasingly complex world. Just as religion once provided a framework for understanding our lives and morals, wellness culture often promises clarity, fulfillment, and a sense of belonging.
The connection to original sin is particularly thought-provoking; the guilt that can come from not living up to wellness ideals can feel burdensome, much like the weight of moral transgressions in traditional religious contexts. It underscores how good intentions can sometimes spiral into unrealistic expectations or dogmas that leave people feeling inadequate.
It's essential to recognize that while many wellness ideas can be beneficial, they can also become rigid doctrines that impose additional guilt rather than foster genuine well-being. Like any movement, it’s crucial to keep questioning and examining its core values, ensuring that they promote health and happiness rather than reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Your insight invites a deeper reflection on how we navigate these cultural shifts and the narratives we internalize.
Sometimes we stumble across a piece of writing (and in my case, stuck in an orthopedic boot trying to learn to walk again after a plantar fascia rupture, I truly mean stumble as in lurch), that is exactly what we need to read at the time we need to read it.
I don’t think my life issues are all that unique but my challenges have happened in an avalanche fashion. I’ve now tried, and failed, four times to find someone as in a “you should really talk to someone” situation. I’m starting to think that maybe I just need to spend more time working it out for myself.
I’m 60 and have spent much of my life ‘talking to someone’ - I have tools. I think it’s time I trust myself to use them.
Your reflection resonates deeply. It's amazing how the right piece of writing can find us exactly when we need it, almost as if it’s a guiding light in difficult times. The metaphor of "stumbling" while physically healing adds a poignant layer to your experience—both in terms of physical recovery and navigating life's challenges.
It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed when faced with an avalanche of issues, and seeking help is often a natural response. However, your realization about trusting yourself and the tools you've developed over time is empowering. It speaks to the strength that comes with experience and self-awareness, especially at this stage in life.
Spending time working through your challenges independently can be incredibly rewarding. It allows you to engage with your thoughts and feelings on a deeper level, honing your intuition and resilience. While professional support can be invaluable, recognizing your ability to navigate difficulties on your own can be a significant step towards personal growth.
Embracing this journey of self-trust and exploration can lead to profound insights. Trusting yourself is a powerful act, and it sounds like you’re ready to embark on that path. Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward!
Amazing article. What a bold and powerful point of view. I’m going to feature this in This Week In Leadership (12k subs). I will of course link to you.
Thank you so much! I’m truly honored that you’d want to feature my article in This Week In Leadership, and invite you to do so. I really appreciate the support and the opportunity to reach your community. I’ll definitely check out the newsletter—looking forward to it!
”If health and happiness are the new markers of success, what does that make those of us who will never be perfectly well?” I almost cried reading this.
“…The danger here is that we start to feel like there’s something wrong with us when healing doesn’t come. We wonder if we’re broken beyond repair….”
An excellent point. Thanks for writing this piece. It’s very aligned with my practice for more than 30 years and why I started my Always Inspiring publication. We are too obsessed with brokenness and don’t take time to recognize what is working and going well. And how far we have/do grow every day. It’s why I write “Good News Friday” as frequently as possible, mostly as a personal reminder but a contextual reaffirmation that we - and the world around us - are doing better than we think. And that while we strive to improve, the effort is for growing people, not broken ones. I Appreciate this piece very much.
Hi Matthew! I am looking forward to checking out your work. Your "Good News Friday" sounds like a beautiful practice—both as a reminder of progress and as a way to reframe how we see the world around us. In a culture that often focuses on deficits or what's missing, it's crucial to acknowledge the everyday growth, resilience, and positive shifts we experience. I think it aligns perfectly with the idea that we are works in progress, constantly evolving, not because we're broken, but because we have the capacity to keep growing and thriving.
Yes to all of this. ❤️ Renaming and reframing what I do has been important for me. I’ve gone from a quest for self improvement to soul care. Now there is no there to improve towards, it’s just care for my soul.
I absolutely love this shift from self-improvement to soul care. ❤️ It feels so much more compassionate and freeing when there’s no pressure to reach some elusive "there," but instead, it's about nurturing yourself in the moment. Soul care embraces the idea that you’re already whole, and it’s about tending to your well-being, your spirit, and your needs in a way that honors who you are right now. That shift in focus brings so much more peace, doesn’t it? It’s like giving yourself permission to just be while still growing in a way that feels natural and aligned with your essence.
Yes, exactly! You hit the nail on the head. I have found this reframing very powerful.
Chronic illness doesn’t always have to be chronic. Unless you’re born with a condition, you can usually heal. I think cultivating our expansion is important because if you’re not consciously growing, you’re stagnating. Everything in life is either growing or dying. Nothing stands still. I agree healing can become addictive and toxic, but that’s because it’s so past focused. I think we need to consciously direct our growth forward while cultivating peace in the present, building our lives in such a way that each day is joyful in itself. I think that when we naturally grow in this way, past situations will sometimes need to be worked through on different levels so we can identify mindsets, emotions or behavioral patterns holding us back. I think what therapy gets wrong is an obsession with the past, thinking if we ‘heal’ our past, the future will take care of itself, but we need to consciously build toward that future otherwise we’ll fall back into destructive patterns that drive us, and end up doing more needless introspection. Therapy also excessively medicalizes the human condition but that’s another conversation altogether. When people don’t apply their focus and brain power to creating the future, they naturally look to the past, and if you keep digging in old wounds, you don’t allow them to heal. That’s why I promote strategic inner work. Figure out exactly what’s holding you back and address that enough to move forward. That should be goal - not endless, pointless introspection that results in people becoming neurotic and unhappy.
I appreciate your perspective on healing and growth. It’s true that healing can sometimes lead to an overemphasis on the past, potentially becoming a source of stagnation if not approached with balance. I agree with the idea that we should focus on forward growth and cultivate peace in the present. It's about finding a way to integrate past lessons without letting them dominate our present or future.
However, I think it's important to recognize that healing isn't always about "getting over" something; sometimes, it's about learning to live with parts of ourselves that won't ever fully disappear. Chronic illness, whether physical or emotional, can be something people manage, not necessarily something they “heal” from. The same can be said for past trauma—it may not vanish, but how we relate to it can evolve. The goal for me personally is often not to erase the past but to allow it to lose its power over me while building a future that I actively create.
Your point on therapy resonates—healing the past doesn't automatically build the future. I agree that forward-focused, strategic inner work is crucial, especially when it comes to preventing the endless cycle of introspection. Yet, for some, past work is a necessary foundation before they can effectively focus on the future. For others, an overemphasis on healing can indeed become a trap, leading to a sort of paralysis where they never feel "healed enough" to move forward.
Ultimately, I think it's about balance—acknowledging that healing is a personal journey that looks different for everyone. We can address what holds us back while also actively creating a future that brings us joy and fulfillment, staying rooted in the present. Growth doesn’t always mean looking backward or forward exclusively; it’s about integrating both in a way that serves us.
Thank you for bringing attention to our continuous improvement trap.
As a condiment fascinated by humans (and their nature) this was captivating. They cannot feel pain but love how you tackled the topic of it in this. The concept of learning to live with pain is new to them but something they hope to learn more about. Thank you for this!
They're officially my favorite condiment.
Mustard appreciates you! They are looking forward to learning more from you about the human experience. 😊
As a fellow aspiring therapist (in training!), I have had exactly the same thoughts and totally agree. It's a topic I want to write about soon.
Can’t wait to read your thoughts around this important topic :)
I fell into the trap of reading a few of these self improvement books.
In the 80s these books had a bad rep. But I think publishing companies started to market these new self improvement books in a new and fresh way.
I dived in. And kind of drowned in it.
Many of these books could be written far more concisely and in much shorter form.
Essentially, get enough sleep, eat reasonably healthy, move around for about an hour a day if you can, laugh at life and remove yourself from toxic people and you should be ok.
I can definitely relate to that feeling. A lot of self-improvement books tend to stretch simple advice into entire chapters (or books!) that could be summarized in just a few sentences. Your conclusion nails it—sometimes it really is as simple as getting enough sleep, taking care of your body, staying active, and keeping good company. It’s easy to get caught up in the endless chase for “better,” but often, the basics are enough to keep us grounded. What’s your take on how self-improvement has evolved, especially with the rise of social media influencers?
i love this so so much.
Thank you for being here ❤️
Been meaning to give atomic habits a read myself. I agree with sometimes not forcing healing, and just letting it be.
I thinkit was bojack horseman that said something along the lines of- not all our suffering has to have some positive come out of it. Sometimes its just accepting that the shitty thing happened!
Let me know when you decide to read it and we can discuss! There were some great takeaways that helped me to better manage my ADHD.
I love that you quoted BoJack Horseman, lol. So relevant. There is this idea that every single thing that happens to us has to be a lesson that results in us being more resilient. The reality is sometimes shit just happens and we move through it and on from it. Not everything is that serious and requires a 12 step program to overcoming in an effort to be our best selves.
YES! Our suffering doesn’t have to result in us writing a book about it or some creative thing to to make it meaningful than just a shitty thing that happened to us. And I will once air read it!
I hate bringing this in, but the healing movement has also become industrialized as well. Whenever there is big money to be made, especially I'm thinking pharmaceuticals, but there are whole other industries involved, as well, e.g. psychology, publishing, (self-help books and articles are some the most highly read material now) etc. any time you have industries based around anything, you're going to have grifters and charlatans in that field promising quick fixes and returning nothing. When the pool that these industries are clustered around, trying to make a buck, are emotionally broken and potentially fragile minds, it's inevitable that you're going to have some problems. And there's going to be a lot of messaging to keep people patients, for the money of it all. I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone specific, and I don't have anyone specific in mind. I'm just thinking of the obvious problem of industrializing mental health. Also, this is just a viewpoint from very much an armchair psychologist.
Your perspective raises crucial points about the commercialization of healing and mental health. The concern that financial incentives can lead to the proliferation of quick-fix solutions is valid, especially in an industry where vulnerability is often at play. When profit motives overshadow genuine care, it can result in a landscape filled with opportunists rather than true healers.
This is particularly problematic when people are seeking help during their most fragile moments; the potential for exploitation is high. It’s essential for consumers to navigate this landscape with discernment, seeking out evidence-based practices and professionals who prioritize the well-being of their clients over profit.
Engaging in dialogue about these issues not only raises awareness but also encourages those within the industry to reflect on their practices and motivations. Ultimately, fostering a culture that values genuine healing over commercialization can lead to more meaningful and lasting transformations for individuals in need. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; they contribute to an important and ongoing conversation about the future of mental health care.
Makes the think about the hundreds of saved podcasts and books I wanna read. The stacks I’ll never get to and while I’m sure they may help if I had the time to read, they leave me feeling “if I could just absorb all of that information, things will be better and I’ll feel better.” Is that likely true? Prolly not. But the guilt I feel that I haven’t listened/read them yet, is taking up space and only causing more problems for myself.
It’s so relatable to feel overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of podcasts and books that seem to promise answers or insights. The idea that absorbing all this information will lead to improvement can create a sense of pressure and guilt, especially when life gets busy.
In reality, consuming more content doesn’t always equate to feeling better. Sometimes, the pursuit of knowledge can turn into an obligation rather than a source of inspiration or growth. It might be helpful to shift the focus from quantity to quality—perhaps choosing a few that resonate with you and allowing yourself the space to engage with them without the guilt of unfinished tasks.
Consider setting aside dedicated time for enjoyment rather than viewing it as another item on your to-do list. It’s okay to let go of the pressure to consume everything. Prioritizing your mental well-being is more important than any stack of unread books or unlistened podcasts. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of learning, without the burden of feeling like you need to know it all right now.
And added to all the self help books you mention are the 100s of podcasts by some of the same authors & others. It can be totally overwhelming if let it. I appreciate Mark Manson’s take on self help which parallels some of what you wrote in this post. You said it well, thank you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! You're absolutely right—between the endless self-help books and now the flood of podcasts, it can definitely get overwhelming if we’re not careful. I love Mark Manson's approach too; he brings a refreshing perspective that cuts through a lot of the noise. I’m glad what I wrote resonated with you, and it means a lot to hear your feedback. It’s always great to connect with people who share similar views on self-help and personal growth.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment!
“Wellness has replaced religion”. You may be right. I see connections with what you’re saying and the guilt of original sin. Maybe it’s just that some good ideas go bad.
The idea that wellness has taken on a quasi-religious role in our society highlights how deeply we seek meaning and purpose, especially in an increasingly complex world. Just as religion once provided a framework for understanding our lives and morals, wellness culture often promises clarity, fulfillment, and a sense of belonging.
The connection to original sin is particularly thought-provoking; the guilt that can come from not living up to wellness ideals can feel burdensome, much like the weight of moral transgressions in traditional religious contexts. It underscores how good intentions can sometimes spiral into unrealistic expectations or dogmas that leave people feeling inadequate.
It's essential to recognize that while many wellness ideas can be beneficial, they can also become rigid doctrines that impose additional guilt rather than foster genuine well-being. Like any movement, it’s crucial to keep questioning and examining its core values, ensuring that they promote health and happiness rather than reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Your insight invites a deeper reflection on how we navigate these cultural shifts and the narratives we internalize.
Sometimes we stumble across a piece of writing (and in my case, stuck in an orthopedic boot trying to learn to walk again after a plantar fascia rupture, I truly mean stumble as in lurch), that is exactly what we need to read at the time we need to read it.
I don’t think my life issues are all that unique but my challenges have happened in an avalanche fashion. I’ve now tried, and failed, four times to find someone as in a “you should really talk to someone” situation. I’m starting to think that maybe I just need to spend more time working it out for myself.
I’m 60 and have spent much of my life ‘talking to someone’ - I have tools. I think it’s time I trust myself to use them.
Your reflection resonates deeply. It's amazing how the right piece of writing can find us exactly when we need it, almost as if it’s a guiding light in difficult times. The metaphor of "stumbling" while physically healing adds a poignant layer to your experience—both in terms of physical recovery and navigating life's challenges.
It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed when faced with an avalanche of issues, and seeking help is often a natural response. However, your realization about trusting yourself and the tools you've developed over time is empowering. It speaks to the strength that comes with experience and self-awareness, especially at this stage in life.
Spending time working through your challenges independently can be incredibly rewarding. It allows you to engage with your thoughts and feelings on a deeper level, honing your intuition and resilience. While professional support can be invaluable, recognizing your ability to navigate difficulties on your own can be a significant step towards personal growth.
Embracing this journey of self-trust and exploration can lead to profound insights. Trusting yourself is a powerful act, and it sounds like you’re ready to embark on that path. Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward!
Amazing article. What a bold and powerful point of view. I’m going to feature this in This Week In Leadership (12k subs). I will of course link to you.
Great stuff.
Oh, here’s a link to the newsletter: www.thebestleadershipnewsletter.com
Thank you so much! I’m truly honored that you’d want to feature my article in This Week In Leadership, and invite you to do so. I really appreciate the support and the opportunity to reach your community. I’ll definitely check out the newsletter—looking forward to it!
”If health and happiness are the new markers of success, what does that make those of us who will never be perfectly well?” I almost cried reading this.
I totally see you and I promise you're not alone. I almost cried writing it, lol.