Unlearning Perfection

How Being 'Good Enough' Has Become My Greatest Victory

In the opening of The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller discusses the impact of early praise and the underlying pressure to maintain perfection. She explains that many gifted children, much like myself, are showered with admiration for their accomplishments but are never taught how to handle failure or imperfection. This sets up a lifelong struggle with perfectionism—a need to always be “good enough” because, deep down, there’s a fear that we are not enough as we are.

For me, perfectionism manifested in all sorts of ways. One example: I could never write in a journal without obsessing over every word. If I messed up just one letter, I felt like the whole page, and even the whole journal, was ruined. That feeling of failure, no matter how small the mistake, always left me thinking I had to start over from scratch.

I remember a specific moment from my teenage years that stands out. I was playing my 13th instrument, the cello. Up until that point, every instrument I’d touched seemed to come naturally. But the cello was different. It was hard, and I wasn’t good at it. I wanted to quit. This was the first time I faced the uncomfortable truth: not everything came easily, and not every effort was rewarded. It was a pivotal moment that forced me to confront the reality that perfectionism had no place in a life worth living.

As I grew older, I continued to equate perfectionism with excellence. I convinced myself that if I could just do everything to the highest standard, I would succeed. In school and my early career, this relentless pursuit of perfection was often rewarded. People knew they could count on me to get things done, exceed expectations, and be meticulous. I internalized the belief that my value lay in my ability to perform flawlessly, and the recognition fueled my drive.

Outwardly, it seemed like I was thriving, but inwardly, I was struggling. The constant need to measure up to my own high expectations, and the expectations of others, created an unrelenting pressure. I found myself agonizing over the smallest decisions, like how to start a project, what to write in an email, what to wear, or which item to buy. The fear of making a mistake kept me paralyzed.

But over time, I began to realize something crucial: Perfectionism is not the same as striving for growth. It’s not about wanting to improve. It’s about avoiding vulnerability. It's the belief that if we are perfect, we can avoid judgment, rejection, or failure. But this shield, far from protecting us, actually keeps us from showing up as our true selves. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. It’s a defense mechanism.

In The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller discusses how many perfectionists were raised in environments where praise was tied to performance—grades, appearance, behavior—and how, as a result, they internalized a dangerous belief: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. This belief becomes the foundation of perfectionism, creating a cycle where our worth is always tied to external achievements. We perform, we perfect, and we try to live up to an impossible standard in the hope that, by doing so, we’ll be loved, accepted, and valued.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve come to realize that true growth doesn’t come from striving for flawlessness, it comes from embracing imperfection and learning to be “good enough.” This shift has been transformative, but it didn’t happen overnight. It’s been a process of unlearning and accepting that mistakes are not only inevitable but essential for growth.

If you’re a recovering perfectionist, there are practical steps, grounded in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), that can help you begin the healing process:

1. Practice Mindfulness
   Perfectionism often thrives on our internal narratives about what we should be doing and how we should be doing it. Mindfulness helps you stay in the present moment, allowing you to notice when perfectionism is creeping in and gently redirecting your focus. Start small and take five minutes each day to simply observe your thoughts without judgment.

2. Radical Acceptance
   Perfectionism often arises from the belief that things should be a certain way, and when they aren't, it feels like failure. Radical acceptance means acknowledging that things aren’t always going to be perfect, and that’s okay. It’s about accepting reality as it is, without trying to control or change it. This practice can be especially helpful when confronting the fear of failure or making mistakes.

3. Challenge Cognitive Distortions
   Perfectionists often fall into black-and-white thinking, where anything less than perfect feels like a complete failure. Using DBT's "checking the facts" skill, challenge these all-or-nothing thoughts. For example, if you think, "If this project isn’t perfect, I’ve failed," ask yourself, "What’s the evidence for and against this belief?" Remind yourself that mistakes and imperfections are part of being human and they do not define your worth.

4. Set Realistic Expectations
   Set goals that are challenging but achievable. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on doing your best within realistic boundaries. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate progress instead of fixating on the end result. This allows you to feel a sense of accomplishment without the pressure of perfection.

5. Self-Compassion
   Perfectionists often have a harsh inner critic that leaves little room for self-compassion. Practice being kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend. Acknowledge your efforts, forgive your mistakes, and give yourself credit for the courage it takes to step outside your comfort zone.

6. Embrace “Good Enough”
   As I’ve learned, perfectionism isn’t about striving for excellence; it’s about protecting ourselves from vulnerability and the fear of judgment. Embracing “good enough” doesn’t mean settling for mediocrity; it means accepting that you are enough, just as you are, without needing to be perfect. This mindset shift allows you to free yourself from the exhausting chase for flawlessness and instead focus on progress, growth, and self-acceptance.

Learning to let go of perfectionism isn’t easy, but it’s a journey worth taking. It involves confronting deep-seated beliefs and fears, and slowly but surely, realizing that imperfection is not a weakness, it’s part of what makes us human. By practicing mindfulness, radical acceptance, challenging distorted thoughts, setting realistic goals, being compassionate with ourselves, and embracing “good enough,” we can break free from the grip of perfectionism and live more authentically.

And as I reflect on this journey, I am reminded that life, with all its imperfections, is infinitely more fulfilling when we allow ourselves the space to simply be, without the constant pressure to perform, to be flawless, or to always have it all together. We are enough, as we are. YOU are enough as you are. And that is the ultimate freedom.